Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Mollyisms Part the Second, Back by Popular Demand

Ahh parenthood.
These are the things that we hear day in and day out.
Sometimes we laugh
sometimes we don't
but any way you slice it, Mollyisms are not a dumb one.


  • Molly: Knock Knock us Who's There? Molly: Come in!
  • It ok Jack
  • Daddy Jack need a binky.
  • Molly: Reeed Robin Us: Yum
  • We going to get presents?
  • Make the car talk, Mommy (Molly wanting Dr. Nightmare of our GPS to talk)
  • I had a hard day.  I need to lay down.
  • I want...choclate icecream with a cherry on top and the sprinklies
  • I want  a Star one flavored bug juice (note: star flavored = cherry.  Obviously because cherry star kisses from Dairy Queen are red and Star flavored)
  • This sucks
  • I want to go back pack ride.  I want to take a kitty on it.
  • Oops.
  • It's a hard poop mommy (Like a true girl, Molly hates admitting that she too must poop)
  • Peepee on the potty peepee on the potty (sings)
  • I make the water turn green Mommy (we dump blue food coloring water in her potty to help make peeing more exciting; try it at home, spice up your potty time.)
  • I dump it. I dump the peepee in the potty
  • I flush it.
  • Mommy I flush your potty?
  • Yaay Mommy you go peepee on the potty too! Good job Mommy! (followed by a high five)
  • Build me a castle with the pillows. and the blanket.
  • I wanna ride a pony
  • No. That's a dumb one.
  • Hey Kid. Hey Kid you dropped your cellpone.
  • I help you?
  • You play with me kid?
  • Thank you playing with me kid
  • your welcome kid.
  • I have a butt.
  • Yetitiz (yes it is)
  • Wanna play? (proceeded by Molly yanking you off the couch onto the floor)
  • No eat my food Kon not for you.
  • I want....appiejuits
  • I tirsty
  • I want... choclatemilks
  • I want the cheeeez (cheetos)
  • I need my Tee-B
  • I need watch my show
  • I want.... Adventure Times
  • Ummm Powerpup girld (Power Puff Girls)
  • No hamburder
  • No hot dog dumb
  • I want to eat yeaves (leaves = salad)
  • I want trees (broccoli)
  • I dip it?
  • I wanna go to the plaaaayground
  • Daddy, Watch out for the trees! 
  • Oh no monter train!
  • Daddy you gotta get a stick and yell at the monters and go yah yah
  • grap the stick with you han and you yah yah
  • don't hurt baby brodder (shortly after that statement, Molly got banned from coming to Jack's doctor's appointments for trying to slay the nurses for stabbing her brother with shots)
  • Not your little man daddy, it's mommy little man
  • It's ok Butterfly, Molly got you (said in the same cadence as Fawn says things to animals in the Tinkerbell Movies)
  • I don't like it
  • No funny dumb funny
  • My Jammies... My glasses! (said in the same cadence as seen in the city of thieves episode of Adventure Time.  My daughter is a true nerd in the works.  I'm so proud)
  • You be the monter daddy (I then chase her around the play ground until she stabs me repeatedly with the sharpest pointiest stick you can find)
  • read me story
  • you play my kitties?
  • Need to get the babies for the mama kitty
  • no like boom booms (thunderstorms)
  • Mommy I want to watch animals A-N-I-M-L-S
  • When counting Molly does good up till fourteen, then skips fifteen and sixteen jumping straight to seventeen.
  • You need a bandaid daddy?
  • Daddy don't pick your toe
  • Mommy Daddy needs a bandaid (the above three were in conjunction to a hang nail I had on my toe, which Molly carefully observed daily until it was healed, informing Sue at every instance when it needed a bandaid.)
  • I got a boo boo too. Need a bandaid (Molly's boo boos are invariably almost always so tiny you can hardly see the remnant of a scab that was a boo boo like three weeks ago.  But she's very insistent. And of course anytime someone else has a boo boo, hers are waaay worse and she always has to compare.)
  • I kiss it better?
  • Say your sorry to Daddy Mama.  Gib Daddy a hug. (Molly always takes my side in arguments; yet another reason why she rocks).
  • That a dumb lady. (to the lady that almost hit them the other day because she ran a stop sign while on a cell phone)
  • No hit the car. No hit the car.
  • Put Jack down he sleepy.
  • Carry me.
  • Jack I play your toys?
  • I not stinky.  I Molly.
  • I not a baby. I a yittle girl (little girl)
  • Jack smiling at me, Mommy.
  • Aww it's cuute.
  • Jack making noisies
Stay tuned for more fun later.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ontologica, Turning a New Page

After a whole lot of stress, hot nights cramped in my attic, and chipping away, Issue 2 of Ontologica  is now ready for consumption.  This issue features:
Rod Dixon
Colleen Harris
Kilean Kennedy
Loreen Niewenhuis
John Seay
Scott Walker
Susanna Childress
Jeffrey M. Hopkins
Josh Smith
"Gentle" Josh Makowski

This issue also saw a changeup in the editorial leadership as Dave Harrity stepped down from his position as Poetry editor and we added Susane Andracki as Art Editor.

If you have a moment, check it out!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I caught the Steampunk bug

Sue and I like to game whenever we go on walks.  We've about exhausted all of my D&D lines, and I've kinda screwed up the line Sue started, so until that gets back on track, and under the heavy influence of Abney Park, we made a foray into the world of Steampunk.  I whipped up some new landscape, and sue created a shutter-pixie named Locke, and we've been grinding away in the dark post-cataclysmic landscape of North America.  I'm trying to run it with a balance of emerging steampunk technology and post-apocolyptic Mad Max/Fallout kind of feel.  So far, it's been pretty entertaining.

Here's some stuff I wrote up about the gameworld:


Setting Earth 100 years after a global EMP cataclysm.
Memories are soft on exactly how it happened, but around 100 years ago all electronics, radio frequencies, and computers went dark.  Major rioting ensued with the fall of most governments and public utility infrastructure.  Power plants became the most powerful piece of property, but many were unstable without electronic monitoring causing at least 5 nuclear plants (including three mile island) to go critical.
People in large cities struggled the most -- finding, transporting, and keeping fresh stores of food became increasingly difficult, and cannibalism soon became rampant.
 
the stabilized powerplants (those that could be easily operated without electronics--largely old coal plants) became havens for their surrounding communities, as they provided vital power, which they soon began to regulate and control by destroying key substations ensuring their grid would remain within a localized zone of electricity, effectively creating city states clustered around coal plants.  The Great Lakes Region of the former United States, for this reason, continued to remain relatively stable with its great number of coal power plants (http://www.google.com/maps/ms?msa=0&msid=115725047472986165665.00046eed968dc7a707394&cd=4&sll=37.926868,-95.712891&sspn=46.431705,78.837891&ie=UTF8&ll=41.861379,-80.375977&spn=5.547099,9.854736&t=h&z=7&iwloc=lyrftr:msid:115725047472986165665.00046eed968dc7a707394,00046eed9a2a4d87d3ca9,40.513799,-79.200439,0,-32)
 
However the diminishing supply of coal, and increased difficulty of extracting remianing coal in appalachia gave way to rising fears of a permanent blackout, and many city states began fighting over coal aquisition rights, even going so far as highjacking coal trucks and rail cars.  the instability lead to more unrest, and many people began migrating north into canada where the open space held promise for a more pure lifestyle living off the land.
 
Also during this time initially after the EMP shock, the world's weather systems changed drastically with record high and low temperatures.  Hurricanes slammed the coasts of the Americas as far north as Nova Scotia, and coastal flooding swallowed tens of miles of shoreline only to recede in terrible drought a few years later.  Scientists presumed that the EMP shock on the planet was enough to force the Earth's magnetic poles to begin to shift drastically, identifying Magnetic north to be somewhere near Moscow, Russia 5 years after the EMP cataclysm, and sliding southward into the Caspian sea within a year.  There was an increasing worry that the magnetic poles would reach some form of terminal "Flip Point" where they would drastically roll to opposing sides of the planet over a matter of days or hours, and with this fear in mind, several scientists began development on the Magnetron Network.
 
Using a top secret method, the worlds' top scientists created hundreds of Mini-magnetrons and began placing them at key locations around the world.  the Magnetrons, initially stood no more than ten feet tall and were composed of a single four inch diameter black carbon rod buried five feet into the ground, but the great magnetic force contained within the rods began to draw the metal from the ground and surrounding areas, causing the magnetrons to grow into towering dark obelisks in the sky.
 
At first people feared these things, seeing that the obelisks deadened the ground surrounding them, and eventually began to gather floating satellites of debris that had yet to settle into the obelisk's form, but within two years of establishing the Magnetrons, the earth's weather patterns stabilized, and scientists determined that the risk of the earth floating off course of its revolution around the sun or the potential of a violent magnetic flip were, for the moment deterred.
 
The existence of the magnetrons, however, fairly ensured that modern technology would never develop along it's original path--the power of the magnets was so great that they could draw electricity out of any object within their radius, a side effect that turned many power plant city states into ghost towns of ionizing metal slowly being consumed by the magnetrons' draw.
 
In the mean time, some technology started to resurface. Vintage cars--muscle cars from the mid-late 20th century contained few electronic components, and were relatively easily restored and hybridized with ethanol and solar fuel cells.  Solar and wind power also began to grow in effectiveness in areas far from the Magnetrons' influence. Thus four major types of society began to emerge:
 
The Protectors -- Cities and peoples living near and supporting the upkeep of Magnetrons.  these people often lived rusty dark lives with no electrical power available to them.  their machines rely on solar, or more commonly, steam.  Within the last 15 years or so, many people living in these areas claim to be able to manipulate the world in unnatural ways.   Some call it magic, others mutation, and a few very smart folks noticed that the Magnetrons follow key joinings of ley lines, amplifying the fae power flowing into the area.  Either way, this magic is soon applied to technology and clockwork steam technology begins to grow and thrive allowing for the bending of natural laws of science to create great flying airships without helium or balloons.  Rumors of clockwork prostetics simmer across the land as the protected areas slowly build great walls around their domains to keep  their inventions protected from the Wandering.
 
The Naturalists -- Peoples that lived far from Magnetrons' reach.  These areas tended to bee the loosest forms of civilization with return to farming, beasts of burdon, and hunting. The wilds of Canada and more rural areas of the Southern united states returned largely to this way of living
 
Those Who Challenge God -- Some cities far from Magnetron lines, used aggressive solar and wind technology to try to recapture the modern world before the EMP cataclysm.  These areas became the central locations of innovation.  The first airships graced the skies over these cities, combining zeppelin technology and solar power.  Despite their distance from Magnetron influence, no inventor can revive electronic technology, radio waves, or computing.  Scientists are at a loss as to why this technology no longer works and lack the tools to delve deeper into this.
 
The Wandering -- Over the last hundred years millions of people were spurned from their homes to the dusty roads, some forming ragged bands of nomads, flitting through ruins looking for food, work, or trouble.  Most people in settled areas fear the wandering, but for the most part, most wandering ar good people looking for food and work.  there is, of course, a dark undercurrent of wicked people out there too that do more than their share to earn the fear felt by most folks about these vagabonds.

The current landscape of the former US holds few major cities, with the most influential being:
    Pittsburgh -- Those who challenge god
    Homer City -- largest powerplant city state
    Sioux Falls SD  -- Largest Protector City
    Stevens Point WI -- those who Challenge God
    Rochester NY -- Protector City
    Seneca NY (a new city grown on Seneca Lake)  Naturalist Collective
    Bangor ME (Now a prime Port of trade) Those who challenge god
    Reading PA (Prime Port City and resort area) Those who Challenge God
    
   


North East of the former US -- AEC (After EMP Cataclysm) 102
In the years after the establishment of the Magnetrons, along with the growth of "magic," the appearance of supernatural creatures began to grow.  Unicorns were sighted in Ireland and around Vancouver, Canada. Pixies, Faeries and other fey creatures have also been found, though they remain rare.   
 
In AEC 85 a dragon was sighted over the ruins of Asheville, SC and burned the remains of the city.
In AEC 86 a team of mercenaries brought down a 20 foot dragon near Stonehenge in England. 
In AEC 92 a 25' long Sphinx emerged from the ruins of its own statue in Egypt.  It razed a nearby city and demanded that the locals keep it fed with a steady supply of virgins.
In AEC 92 the Protector City Rochestor unveiled a new model of clockwork airship operating on a modified hunk of magnetron and gears.  The plans were stolen and pirate clockwork ships began appearing over the skies, levying attacks on protector cities to gain more magnetron hunks.
In AEC 93 a small army of Trolls emerged from the swamps around Shreveport, LA and nearly decimated the city, retreating only after a dying defender accidentally dropped a live grenade near an abandoned gas station, causing a huge explosion and killing two trolls
In AEC 95 confirmed reports of Vampires and Werewolves surfaced from the Black forests of former Romania.
In AEC 98 a Medusa like creature appeared on a small island in the Agean sea, turning all the  residents of the village there to stone.  The creature was slain by a well-read history buff a year later
In AEC 100 a creature claiming to be the forest king emerged near the Seneca Collective and demanded fealty of the surrounding lands; with the local naturalist's support, the surrounding forests of the Fingerlakes return to their virgin states, trees awaken, and faerie creatures begin appearing in great numbers.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

In Defense of Access...Sort of (the good parts at least)

In my real job I use Microsoft Access a lot; some would say that I use it too much, that Access is an archaic backwards monstrocity that should be dropped from the Microsoft Office Suite, that I should be running on SQL Server with a .NET frontend managing things, that Access isn't powerful enough, isn't fast enough, isn't good enough for anything.
 
In fact, I think it's easier to think of reasons why Access sucks than to think of its benefits. And as I delve deeper into Access development, I find myself getting more and more indignant when people start shitting all over my development platform du jour.
 
Don't get me wrong, if I had .NET and SQL server again, I'd probably use them, but I wouldn't be as productive even if everything were shinier, faster, and more "professional" from .NET.
 
Herein lies the gem that is Access: it allows for fast, useful automation of day to day office activity. It integrates into other Office applications, and after six years of tinkering with it (with much of that time under a really great mentor), I can make Access do all kinds of things that would be a lot more complex to replicate under .NET.
 
Currently I have databases talking to Outlook, Excel, and Word; making documents, sending emails, creating attachments, all automated with very little user imput needed.  And this is just an iceberg's tip of the things I've done/can do.  Access as a development platform gives me a lot of really great tools with minimal setup and configuration.   And I can extend all of that with Standardized Modules containing all of my most-often-used code.  Currently I have 12 Standard Modules for each database containing functions from Basic Database connectivity to Form manipulation, to automated emailing.  
 
The only thing that really holds Access back from being a real contender is Microsoft. Every version of Access I've worked with has had some mind-numbingly stupid implementation Fail on Microsoft's behalf. Want an example?  Let's talk Synchronizing.
 
Prior to Access 2007, there was a feature called Replication.  It let you create a replicant database, where you could go offline, make updates and then come back later and synch in with the master.  In pre-Access 2007 days I never really had a need for it, but it was always there.
 
With Access 2007 Replication is supported only in Compatability mode (ie .mdb/mde format).  My need for Replication didn't come about until  after I upgraded all of our databases.  And so some quick searching revealed that the "new" way to handle replication is through SharePoint.  Cool. We have that. And everyone in Corporate wants us to use it (because well it's pretty useless).  So I tried it out.
 
Small database, only a couple of tables, and uploaded it to SharePoint.  The first thing I found was that Databases run like Garbage on SharePoint.  The small table limit (2000 records or less for optimal performance) mixed with our not-so-great network meant that, well, access times went way up.  So I turned to synchronizing.  Immediately I saw two things: performance went up, and the database started to unravel.
 
Yes synchronization with SharePoint let's you work Offline with much improved access times, BUT
  • When you upload a Table to a SharePoint List, SharePoint confiscates your PrimaryID and Renumbers it from 1 -- So I hope you didn't plan on using that as a foreign ID anywhere Else
  • You can't access that PrimaryID any longer for anything but reading -- So don't bother trying to re-renumber your ID back to what it was
  • Referential Integrity? Yeah, SharePoint doesn't deal with that bullshit (Seriously, what Database program needs Cascaded Updating and Deleting between Primary and Secondary tables?) [Note Severe Sarcasm for you non-programmer readers].
  • Validation Rules? Nope.
  • Default Values? Nope.
  • Additional Unique Fields beyond the Primary Key? Nope.
 How could you NOT be jumping out of your order SharePoint 2007 as your new Online Table Source? Oh wait. Because it's fucking useless.  Especially since it's the Only supported form of replication for .accdb/.accde files. 
 
Oh and get this: Microsoft's Solution: Go back to Access 2003. Nice. Why would I, or anyone want to depreciate to 7 year old software? Isn't that against the general plan of things?  But then again, Microsoft made Vista and Me and the Early versions of Win98 and XP both sucked too, so I guess I should know better with whom I'm dealing.
 
Oh the light at the end of the tunnel though: Microsoft will support Referential Integrity in SharePoing 2010...too bad our shop won't update to that until 2012 at the earliest.
 
My current solution: Hombrew Synchronizing.  It'll be awesome when it's done, but it'll be a bit of a beast to retrofit the databases for it. 
 
The point of all this is this: Access, since it is part of Office, beckons lots of know-nothing users into fucking around and making truly hideous databases, but those of us who really work at it, can  and do make some pretty powerful applications, with our only limitations being that of the poor design decisions on Microsoft's behalf.  So before you start dropping your condescention on the next Access Developer you see, take a moment to find out what's going on under the hood and reserve your words for the people that make us look bad [ you insensitive clod(s)].
 

Monday, May 24, 2010

Mollyisms Part the First

Editor's Preface
Parenthood is an oft-celebrated cliche, in which a parent waxes poetic on how smart, funny, beautiful, and tantrum free his or her darling little human-child is.  Often, this is done in comparison to another child, wherein the second child is more oft compared to that which spawns in the mucky muck lurking beneath that condemned trailer over yonder by the railroad tracks (wrong side implied).  Yet in reality, parenthood is ridiculous work, perilous even (consider the evil plastic cheese wedge, your foot, the bottom of the steps and 3AM--Fucking Deadly) where dog-tired adults pray to any god who will listen that the children sleep [at some point, hopefully at the same time].  Where two year olds learn how to enact passive-aggressive regression tactics (let's un-learn how to use the potty!).  Where parents feel embarrassed when their toddler starts slapping the nurse for giving her baby sibling a shot; when deep down we're saying, "Rock on kid, for sticking up for your brother."  Yea, parenthood is a minefield...sometimes more literally than we'd like.   But,

There is one thing, that above all, pushes parenthood, for me, away from being  a brokedown misery of pleading, deal making, and flat out yelling: that being the amazing process of child-like language.  Herein lies the first of several installments of Mollyisms.

Mollyism -- (n.) 1. Something Molly said 2. A moment of phrasal hilarity 3. The fruits of parenting at its best.

Part 1: An annotated List of Terms and Definitions

  • What are you doing here? -- A constant phrase can be used as an introduction, conversation starter, or general question
  • Sprinkly one? -- usually used in conjunction with ice cream
  • Do you like it? Do you lub it? -- often paired questions.  Consequentially, we lub lots a things these days.
  • No. Birdy has a turkey leg. -- Molly's answer to the question, "Does a birdy have legs?"
  • I want a poopcon. --One night outside of Sheetz, Sue and I were talking about coupons--I, stupidly thought that 1. gas stations didn't take coupons, and 2. that a coupon for a free coke was not a coupon and in fact a voucher.  I was later set straight by the cash register clerk. But in the mean time, Molly blurts out, "I want a Poopcon." And we lost it.  She then started talking about how Kon, our fat kitty, pooped and mommy had to clean up.  We're still not sure what she thinks poopcons are, considering that she's been given some, but either way they have something to do with making the fat kitty poop.
  • Doctor Horsey. -- Molly has many roles for her My little ponies.  One of them is Doctor Horsey.  And Doctor Horsey can heal any animal by stomping its head.
  • Hotchipot -- Molly's word for hospital. We had no idea what she was saying till Doctor Horsey showed up to help a sick kitty.
  • I lub the Chu. He's my faborite.  -- Chu's our other kitty.  He tolerates Molly's insanity with the patience of the gods.  Someday, that cat's going to collect and demand tunafish for all meals till he dies (I think he's waiting for Kon to kick the bucket though, since Kon eats most of the food in the house anyay)
  • One more -- One more does not mean one more.  Molly will One More something twenty or thirty times if she really likes it.
  • Anotherone poop? -- One time Sue was changing Jack's diaper and Molly was watching.  She pointed at Jack's ballsack and said, "Anotherone poop, Mommy?"
  • No Poop mommy, I farted.  -- We hate this phrase.  Molly won't tell us, or admit when she poops. Lately this has been leading to messy escapades, as the training diapers don't quite have the sheer containment space of traditional diapers.  Shit storm :'(
  • Dammy. -- Sue's eternal pain.  Dammy is what you get when your two year old isn't paying attention to whom she's speaking, so Daddy/Mommy gets slammed together into Dammy. Occasionally she does the opposite, Maddy, but Dammy happens all the time, and it brings out Sue's Irish rage.  I feel her pain though--I used to be Dwerf (Drew/Derf [Derf's my step-dad]) for years.
  • Chickennuggetfrecnchfry -- The only way Molly orders McDonalds
  • Let's take the walk -- We like walking.  so does Molly.
  • i wanna go to the wateraparrk -- Molly also likes the water park.  Currently she's banned till she learns to use the potty.
  • I'm crying Mama -- This happens usually when Molly's fighting bedtime and she's turned on the pathetic cannon (her mouth).  Crocodile tears + this phrase = us having a difficult time not laughing as we try to order her to bed.
  • Hi Little guy -- Anyone she doesn't know the name of becomes little guy.  This can be kids on the playground, action figures, or people on TV.
  • Kids! Come back Kids! -- Molly lubs playing with other kids on the playground.  Unfortunately, very few unsupervised pre-teens have the patience to race around with a bossy two year old.  Also, Molly has a knack for showing up at playgrounds when everyone is leaving, hence this phrase.
  • Mommy, you clean up? -- Said whenever there's a mess.  Messes are caused usually by cats in Molly's eyes.  She conveniently avoids pointing out many of her own messes.  Strange...
  • I'm cold need a nice and warm -- a nice and warm is a blanket.  Sometimes she does say blanket, but nice and warm gets thrown in invariably.  She really huddles up and sells the being cold part too once she gets the blanket.
  • No. I'm the Molly -- Ask Molly if she's pretty much anything , and this is how Molly will respond.  She gets real mad when people try to tell her that she's the big sister.  Sometimes she even goes as far as adding "I'm a little girl." when people do that.
  • It's ok Jack -- Whenever Jack cries, Molly tries to soothe him. She's a bit crazy to be touching him up, but sometimes she'll even come over and kiss him.  
  • Mr. Mommy! Mr. Mommy! -- Since we call Jack, Mr. Jack most of the time, just about everyone gets to be a Mr. these days.
  • Want to take a bubble bath? -- Molly lubs bubble baths. Some days she wants to take like 9 of them, and probably would too if we let her.
  • It's my Faborite. -- Molly has a lot of faborites.
  • Moob. -- Molly's version of Move.  She tells us to moob a lot. 
  • I help you? -- She loves to help.
  • No take my car. -- The family car is hers; did you know that?  I get in big trouble when I drive to work (good thing I like to try to walk)
  • I want a chocklate -- apple didn't fall far from the tree here; our little girl is a choco-holic
  • Mnem an nems -M&Ms Molly style
  • Open the door.-- Usually so she can escape
  • Turn up the light -- This can also be used with the dark.  Turn up the dark or turn up the sun.  She doesn't like the night because that means she has to sleep.  Why oh why do little kids not like sleep?
  • lemme out mommy -- we have to baby gate her into her room because she can open the door and won't stay in her room at bed time. 
  • I got the key -- Molly lubs keys and opening doors with them.  To her, a key can be anything that fits in a keyhole.
  • awww isn't it cuute -- She says this to Kon a lot.  Especially when she glomps on him when he's sleeping.  It's about the only time she can catch him.
  • eew that digustin -- Molly's usually spot on when something is yucky, and she doesn't hesitate to tell us.
  • that's dedicious -- Molly's real good at keeping this word for just the right moment; only really tasty stuff gets the dedicious label.
  • I come too -- She'll follow us anywhere; even to the crapper
  • that's dumb! -- sometimes this is cute, but when Molly is mad, tired, or both, everything, even things that are her faborite can become dumb.  And she gets pretty violent about hating dumb things; she'll slap em around pretty good.
  • No Nigh night -- she fights bedtime pretty often anymore.  Before Jack, she was clockwork good about going to bed.  9PM zing up the stairs brush the teeth wash the hands kiss good night love you. 
  • I wanna wash the han -- Washing hands and brushing teeth are two things she's pretty good at. And 
  • Need a bandaid? -- Because she's a big help and because she lubs bandaids, she's there to help you with even the most insignificant abrasion.  Oh and Hello Kitty is what' she's packing these days, so I hope you like pink kitties and bunnies to heal your wounds.
  • Wanna play my toys? -- Two year old games are crazy.  Sometimes they're real interesting with the rules that she thinks up, but two year olds have a cognitive limit on toys playing, I think.  After so many minutes, the game resets and she starts it all over fresh.  Sue can beat this repetition by adding crazy fox elements that rock Molly's world.
  • Play in my room daddy? -- She lubs when we play in her room, but her room is a minefield of toys that scattered from an un-attributed pipe-bomb blast.
  • oh no the monters.  Hide! -- Molly's not generally afraid of much, but she does like to pretend to be afraid of monsters.  There's all kinds of monsters to be afraid of.  And usually you're safe if you're under a blanket.  Personally, I like Monter Train (train whistles heard while outside at night); Molly gets proper freaked out by that.
  • I'm scared daddy (fake shaking) -- when Molly is "scared," she fake shakes like she's cold.  It's real funny.
  • dukadukadukaduka --  Because Molly doesn't know all the parts of a sentence, she often fills space where she knows words should be but doesn't know the word with rambly word-like syllables.
  • wait waita minute -- we say this to her a lot; it's only natural that she turn it around on us.
  • want to draw mommy -- Molly loves drawing and painting, especially 3D objects.  Michaels sells these little wooden animals for like 2 bucks.  She'll be blissful in painting heaving for like an hour. 
  • I need it -- Molly needs lots of things, and she won't hesitate telling us.
  • It's my map -- any piece of paper with stuff other than her painting or drawing on it is a Map.  
  • I'm running -- She tells you when she runs.  It's good information.
  • I got a poop pigeon -- How could I not buy this for her?  Littlest Pet Shop has a toy that's a pigeon and labeled as a "Messy" one.  It also comes with a park bench and a sticker sheet with stickers of bird poop.  When we asked Molly if she wanted a poop pigeon in Walmart tonight, she was like "Yeah! I want a poop pigeon."  And she kept talking about it all night.  I lub it.  It's freakin hilarious.
  • Awesome -- She says awesome. How awesome is that?
  • I want Edidabeth -- Elizabeth is Molly's best friend.  They're the same age and they lub playing together.  Molly talks about her constantly.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Brave New World(s)

[Most] of my students' final grades are submitted, and as I sit here, slightly uncomfortable in the attic during a strange off-season warm spell (not that I'm complaining), I'm looking at the wide-open door of future writing.  Writing, that poor sweet creature, that generally likes to hide from "what have you been working on?" will now have to step up and start flexing her muscles again.

And since I"m no longer under the gun to turn papers around with ninja-like quickness, I have some time to reflect on the projects that I haven't been paying attention to at all for far to long of a span. 

Not an Autobiography -- I'm sort of on the down spin of this one right now. Though the final Johnny story, "Cliche" is definitely in the works, I've sort of hit a point in the project where I'm questioning it's overall import in the world of literary worth.  Most of this is fueled by my more or less recent growing distaste for literary snark.  So unless I'm in a snarky mood or I stumble across a gem of an  idea, I'm sort of floating this to the side of my headspace.  Aside from "Cliche," I figure that I need to write 1-2 more first person narrator stories, overhaul the second Johnny story, "Endings Lead to Beginnings" (starting with the title, which sounds real clunky to me) and finish up Clare's last story, "7500 Miles to Find Herself"  A tall order, but a good todo list.

Shadowman (the working title of the series) -- this will probably be my main project for some time.  I want to take and revise and continue working on the NaNoWriMo project from November.  I have some plans to workshop the NaNoWriMo project with another NaNoer this summer, and I'm hoping to kick into high gear on continuing Nigel's story here soonishly.

Ontologica -- We're aiming to have Ontologica's second issue out in late June, early July.  At the moment, I'm not really sure if I'll contribute anything, but I am looking forward to a smoother publishing this time.

All of this, of course, is made possible by my decision to not return to teaching in the fall.  The decision, while a bit of a mixed bag of emotions, I think is a good one overall; not only for me but for the family. Adjuncting is rough stuff financially when you're single; damn nigh impossible when you're trying to support a family with just adjuncting. Overall it was a really great experience, but it's time to move on; time to move back to a more regular writing schedule; back to working more regular hours; back to not having to blow off my family to grade papers.

Teaching is a funny thing. At once it's vibrantly exciting--especially if the class is both active and involved, like my rockin-awesome ENGL004 class from this past semester--but it can also be a super-drag.  Nothing is more gut-dropping depressing than a bright student that doesn't give a shit. It gives me fits to watch kids piss away their college careers. Someday down the road, I hope to find myself in a classroom again; hopefully bullshitting about fiction instead of composition, but the future is no mistress that I bed with regularly, so she can keep her secrets for now.

On the more professional side of the writing world, my marketing job is taking me to some pretty wild places. I've been going hog-wild on developing some pretty keen stuff, and it's got me thinking back about the creative nature of programming vs. its scientific nature...something I think I want to expand on more. But not tonight.  I think tonight calls for some sort of outline of Nigel's timeline from forever ago to current.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dadaism

No this isn't about an artistic movement I only vaguely remember from Art History. This week's blathering is much more personal-the whole parenting thing.

Part 1: The wasteland
On the outside, I think, a lot of 20somethings think that parenting is kind of an end of the road--your life is over kind of thing. Not to mention the physical wasteland of toys strewn about, all of them lying in wait for that midnight run downstairs barefoot in the dark. Yellow Cheese Triangle. Yes, I speak of you and your many pain inflicted nights. Then there's the wasteland of personal fulfillment--the whole me time sorta goes out the window.

Part 1.5: Is it that bleak?
No.

Part 3: Let me explain what happened to part 2

A couple weeks ago I was talking to Grace about the fun of having a 2 year old and an impending stork delivery, and she said "You know you really need to write something about parenting. Part 2 was: Grace, your wish is granted.

Part 4: It's not what you think
Parenting is like the wild west. And you get to be Clint Eastwood or Annie Oakley (for you female types) [Maybe I should reference Buffalo Bill instead for a better parallel with Oakley? Nah. Eastwood is far too badass to leave out. I'd be like referencing a samurai flick without mentioning Akira Kurosawa or Toshiro Mifune.] Sure we all were kids, and our parents did a [fine/meh/wonderful/terrible/great/shitty/so-so/average] job raising us, so more of the same, right?

To me it feels a bit like playing God. But in a safe way. Sure we got to create life, and as parents we get to shape it. But we can't go willy-nilly. It's not like It's an easy process to start over, and god knows Sue'd kill me if I said, "Oh shit, we fucked up this kid, let's game over and start fresh." She's totally done being pregnant in a forever kind of way. And I can't blame her.

But it is a bit like playing God. We choose as parents what goes into their little impish minds (Molly is thoroughly an imp, no doubt there). They gestate and regurgitate in their own version. The rewards are amazing. Within only a couple years, you have this little creature that runs up to you and says "Bao Bao" [That's 'hug' in Chinese] because 1. she loves you and 2. she watches a whole freakin lot of Ni-Hao Kai-Lan. So I have a partially bi-lingual 2 year old in a language that I will never understand as well as her because she's at the language sponge age.

Other rewards come in all kinds of packages from the Daddy-just-got-home-from-work-excitement to an un-prompted Thank You or random hug. Show them love and attention, and man, Kids rock.

Part 5: What about that imp thing?
Yeah, Kids can give you fits too. They give us fits every day. It's part of parenting, and in a way like Stress exercise. How much kid insanity can you take without losing your cool? Tonight, my daughter decided to drink the bathwater [something that we've been yelling at her for for, um, forever]. Not only because doing so is gross, but because she could choke. Well guess what, tonight she choked on it. I was right there, and averted crisis in seconds. But Sue, also FLEW up the stairs, terrified that something happened to her baby. This leads to part 6

Part 6 : Redbull may give you wings, but parenting gives you superpowers
Holy hell. Being a parent allows you to somehow slow time down sometimes and catch children that are mid fall from 30 feet away when you have a herniated disk, broken leg, and are wrapped so tight in a snuggie that you're certifiably mummified. And it's instinctual. I don't know how we do it, but parents get the powers to SAVE LIVES pretty regularly. And we do it on not a lot of sleep

Part 7: Caffeine, a father's reprieve
You know that bullshit line, "Females are the weaker sex?" Childbirth aside, try raising small children that don't sleep well. Then try it without caffeine. Why? Because moms don't get that chemical stim fix like us dads if they're pregnant or breastfeeding. But yet they carry on just as well. Wives/mothers of the world, you rock. For us dads, we may get a little more sleep and get to dope up on [Coffee, Tea, Monster, Redbull, PowerEdge, Mt. Dew, Coke], but it's also our duty to not bitch about being tired, ever. And if you can let the wife sleep in, for god sakes do it.

Part 8: It's an adventure and a half
Last Night, after class, my Daughter, who realized it had finally stopped raining, called me on a promise I'd made to her when she woke up first thing Monday. I'd said, "We can go out and play with your chalk [sidewalk chalk received from Aunt Yam on Sunday] as soon as it stops raining." So at 7:30 Molly and I are outside in the freakin cold wind drawing on our porch. Yet despite the somewhat miserable conditions, Molly came up with a really hilarious game. I had to draw letters of the alphabet. Then she would dictate how many times you had to stomp on said letters. Stomping had to involve silly walks [ala Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks], and it was pretty constant. So despite being cold, it was actually a lot of fun.

Part 9: The Caveat
What I'm trying to say here is that parenting is indeed about the best thing I've ever done. And since I'm on vacation from everything but teaching, I'm happy to say that I'd be real glad to be a stay at home dad if I could. Here's the caveat to all of this though: Most Americans, I think are far too lazy and narcissistic to actually be good parents. It's evident in our legislation where people feel the need to try and control maturity ratings on music and games. Good parents don't need this kind of gov'ment policing, because they know what their kids are capable of handling. And it doesn't take much to be involved with kids; they crave attention.

Outro
Parenting rocks.
[this post partially written while rocking Jack to sleep].